do i dare admit it?

do i dare admit it? I am almost scared to say it, because i know its true, but don't want this to really happen. Alright, i think i have the guts to type it. I am closest to God when i am faced with trials. Trials are often my best times with God because i seek Him not out of obligation, but because my very life feels like it depends on time with God.
now i hate saying that. I wish i was more mature and would seek God relationally at all times. I wish that God didn't have to keep me in the fire for my heart to remain devoted to him. I don't like the trials. They stink. I hate them. They are never easy or consern something i don't care about. They always feel like a big deal. They always feel like this is the turning point of my whole life. It has never been true. A few years later i usually don't even remember most of my trials except for the true big ones. I am convinced the trials don't really matter and what does matter is the relational opportunity that comes from them.
Most of my cherished memories with God are usually smack dab in the middle of a trial. The times i am most consistent in prayer and reading the Bible is when i feel like it truly is my food. I wish i would live life all the time this way. It would be so much wiser.
I think i really want to thank God for the trials in my life. Without them i would not have the trust in God, although feeble at times, that i do have.

God, take me though whatever you must to develop my heart to being closer to you and more like Jesus. All I want is to be near you. I do not care if it is in the worst trials or in the most pleasant of vacations. Give me trials as long as you draw near to me. (it wouldn't hurt to make them minor though)